I had to take Kaliegh to the doctor yesterday. She wasn't sick as illnesses go, just fussy as all and wouldn't let me put her down even for the shortest amount of time. Even to take the fastest shower I had to yell, "It's ok honey, mommy is right here!" the entire time so that she'd just fuss and whimper rather than scream.
Turns out she has colic. Great. I'll be honest, I was hoping for something that would be quickly treatable rather than something random that lasts for weeks on end. At least I got the peace of mind I needed to know that I'm not a completely inept mother. I was starting to doubt myself and everything I learned raising my son.
On the bright side, though, she's gaining weight wonderfully. She's now 9 lbs. 15 oz, a full 2 pounds, 3 ounces larger than at birth. I look forward to seeing what her measurements are when we see them on August 8th for her 2 month check.
Something else happened this week... I've started falling in love with my new daughter. It's not very often that you hear a mother admit that she didn't love her child from the beginning. I'll admit it. When she was born I loved her, but was not in love with her like I am with my son. She was something unexpected for me; I was truly expecting a boy and somehow found myself utterly disappointed to be having a girl. Couple that with a lot of internalized issues I had with myself, I was not prepared to welcome a little girl into my home. I felt for sure that she'd end up with a miserable life, taking on all of my physically ugly qualities resulting in a difficult struggle for happiness. I realize now that I have a long road to get past that problem within myself, but I'm working on it daily.
Back to my point. This week she made eye contact with me and something snapped in my head. I melted. She looked at me and I looked at her. I think possibly that angels sang or bells chimed, it was etherical at any rate. Something happened in that moment and I realized how dearly I loved the little creature in my arms and how the mourning period was over for the son I had lost in mind. (Out of my own guilt I started reading about this subject. Many mothers expect something and when that expectation is not met, they need a period of mourning. It was a fantastic discovery for me to see other mothers go through this, that I'm not alone nor should I feel guilty for my feelings of having wanted another son so badly.)
For a completely unrelated subject... just a few more hours until I get to see the next Harry Potter movie!
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